Ups and Downs

Isn’t life strange?

A couple of weeks ago I was saying ‘God you are so good, I don’t want any more problems bothering me.  I just want you!  No more bad things.’  I meant it as I was enjoying God.  Then last week, in the middle of a debate on a message board, I lost it!  And how!  It was the usual debate between those who believe and those who do not.  It was getting nowhere, as some ask but do not wish to accept the answers, and then I jumped in without thinking ans spoke my mind.

This you may appreciate is not a good thing for me to do!  The replies were not encouraging and I ended up in a real downer.  For several days I was angry at them, at myself for stupidity, and at a whole host of other thoughts that crowded in.  God was pushed aside and I fell apart for a few days and wallowed in self pity and anger, at them, at my own weakness, at anything that moved.

At one point I was pulled up as I read ‘Vines Dictionary of New Testament Words,’ when looking up ‘agape.’  It spoke of Gods undeserved love to me, and the world in general.  This almost brought me out of it, but not quite.  I enjoyed my bad mood.  I wallowed in self pity, and everything else was pushed aside.  Such moods open up many dangers but I cared not.

Now I find myself asking, ‘How did that happen?’  ‘Where did that come from?’  Things were going so well.  I had read of Jesus desperate to make me his home instead of heaven, of his love reaching out, and suddenly I was deep in a pit I did not want to fight.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those ‘Super Christians,’ the ones who always overcome, and who never want to sin.  Those who love their God so much that sin is not found near them.  I am not like that.  Anger brings a desire for revenge, especially after I have attempted forgiveness, lust for what I do not have comes in easily, running away when times are hard to that which will not support (like the Jews desire to run to Egypt when Assyria threatened) is so easy, but empty in the end.  Oh to live the life in the same way I talk about it!  Ah well, I suppose, like the miserable selfish swine I am, I must crawl back towards Jesus and mutter, ‘I didn’t really mean it…..but I did it anyway……..’  Ho hum, another day in paradise.

Lifted

Earlier today I was annoyed at myself for falling into one of my bad habits.  It just seemed like it was a waste of time attempting to go on.  There was a wall of failure there before me. I sat down and prayed those feeble, useless, waste of time prayers that you know  will bring no answer. Looking at the book lying there I thought of one or two Psalms and decided it there was no point going over them.  I would just put my own thoughts into them and get my own answers back, and that was a waste also!

However, I am not sure where it came from, but I found myself musing not on me, but on how God had taken the initiative to love me!   I had not loved him, nor bothered about him, but he had chosen to love me!   What a thought!   In spite of the person I am, in spite of the things that have passed through my disgusting mind, he has always ‘loved me!’ It was his decision and I suppose he must have known what I was like even then!  This is a relief, and a great encouragement.

Several times I have noticed my failing s since that moment.  No doubt I will notice them again soon.  However, Jesus knows and wants to make me new!  In spite of me he is not discouraged, hurt maybe, but not discouraged.

I got up again this morning, and carried on, with fresh love for this great God, and a deeper desire to know him and love him.  This is good!